#4 the England football team. Again, 'nuff said really. About once a decade we pull off a stellar result (like the 4-1 vs. Holland in Euro 96 or the 5-1 away to Germany in WC 2002 qualifying) that makes you think we've finally cracked it and from now on we will sweep all before us. But after many years of bitter disappointment, I've come to realise that I may well never see England win anything in my lifetime. I'm 36 now, lets say I'm good for about as long again, that gives us another 18 or so attempts (9 World Cups, 9 Euro Championships). You would think that given we invented the game and allegedly have the 'best league in the world' (TM) we'd be in with a shout. But no. We can't keep the ball, and we can't pass the ball. Every time we play a country that can do these things (Portugal, Brazil, Spain), we lose; they pass us to death. Thud and blunder every Saturday in the league makes for lots of thrills and spills, but it doesn't actually form players capable of success at international level. Based on our results since 1990, no other conclusion is possible. And given the ineptitude with which McLaren has started his tenure, it's starting to look as if Eriksson got the absolute best he could out of us, and 3 quarter-finals in a row, rather than being a dismal failure for our notional world-beaters, is actually a remarkable achievement for a team that can't even do the basics. I said to myself a while ago that I can't die until I see England win the World Cup, then in 2003 we went and won the rugby. Aaaargh; not that one! Be very careful what you wish for; I guess now I could go at any time.

#5 canned announcements on public transport. I got the train to Reading from London today and the stupid mechanical PA just would not shut up. 'Please report anything suspicious', please don't do this, please do that - all in these soothing tones that are supposed not to offend anyone and are consequently annoying as hell. If you want to give me instructions, at least have the grace to employ a real live human being. Otherwise, please STFU. On a related note, there are these dumb safety notices printed on cards that seem intent on pretending that the train is an aeroplane, with all the exits marked as if we were on a 747. For heaven's sakes, I can see where the doors are, thankyou. The London Eye deserves a special mention here; I know BA sponsor it, but it commits the hideous atrocity of both using canned announcements and pretending to be a plane at the same time. It's a glorified Ferris wheel, goddamit, even if you do get a great view of London.

Erm, blimey. Ranting a bit here. Note to self: list some stuff that you actually like, before you give the irreversible impression you're just a grumpy old git before your time.